CAKEHEAD OF THE WEEK: SHROUDING THE NEWS WITH FROSTING
So here's a news bulletin which we know is restating the obvious: USA Today is not a good newspaper....unless you're searching for food-related headlines. This is why we are awarding USA Today with the CAKEHEAD of the WEEK AWARD - for keeping us blissfully in the dark about all matters except that which we care about most: cake. The cake we present is shrouded in a flag, in the same way that USA Today shrouds the news with its icing-like stories made of fatty sweetness and air.
We wouldn't typically turn to this rag for information, but the hotel where we're staying left a copy hanging on our door and who can resist the gigantic font-size and bright blue masthead. Naturally we had to skim it for the national and world news. Here's what we found:
In the Nation section, "Fluffernutter ban hard to swallow in Mass." was the first headline that grabbed our eye. A full two paragraphs are dedicated to how state lawmakers in Massachusetts are working on a bill to limit the number of times school lunch programs can serve the delicious Marshmellow Fluff/peanut butter combo. Currently, if the dining service wanted to, they could serve it every day of the week! The new law would only allow one appearance per week of the Fluffernutter on school lunch trays.
If they were working to ban the Fluffernutter altogether, we can understand it being an appropriate story for page 3 of USA Today. But the sandwich will still be available at least once a week, even if the bill is passed.
In the World section a story about Santa's elves preceeds a story about North Korea's long-range missile testing. It seems that USA Today has taken the public's request for positive news reporting to heart. What could be more uplifting than learning that:
Santa Park in Finnish Lapland has turned a profit for the first time after cost cuts...Willie Rajala, director of the 8-year-old park, credits a change in philosophy. "We are not open every day, but a couple of months in witner and another couple of months during summer."
Ahh. That's so much more uplifting than learning that North Korea has missiles that could potentially reach USA. Thanks USA Today!
Comments
Ahhh...spray on candy, every child's dream. Perhaps I can use it in my classroom to subdue the children.
Adults needn't feel left out, there is spray on salad dressings and other "food flavors" for seasoning while keeping those calories down. I hope Bush doesn't get confused as start sending spray on tomatoes as part of his Aid packages to Afghanistan.
Posted by: Joanna | June 23, 2006 11:07 AM