Red State Beer Butt Dining
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...at least at the dinner table. Everybody knows that the red states have the best barbeque. So when our George Bush-supporting uncles invited us down to Jeb Bush's great state of Florida to apprentice and learn from their smoking virtuosity, we couldn't resist.
What we learned:
1. If you jam a half-drunk Milwaukee's Best tall boy up a chicken's ass, inject butter into it with a hypodermic needle and allow the bird to slowly roast in a low-temperature smoke of hickory, all nice and easy, you will discover the following:
a. the results of the beer-butt experiment are incredible.
b. there are little pink lines in the bird meat where the butter was injected, caused by the hickory smoke traveling up these tiny passages.
c. the satisfied tastebuds overpower and briefly cancel all other senses and actually manage to numb the pain of an election lost.
d. We temporarily forgave our loved-ones for their willingness to be apologists for Bush regime
The next day, we were still under the influence of the beer-butt chicken. Our stomachs were full and our minds were cloudy. So when it was time for our lesson in smoking ribs we watched lazily as our uncle worked his miracles. Maybe we weren't really trying to learn. Or maybe it was his plan all along: Drug the liberal with the beer-butt chicken and then distract by feeding her the most buttery, tender ribs slathered with Pat's Ho-Made Barbeque sauce. Sadly, we did not return to our blue state with the secret recipe. But we'll let them keep their recipe in their southern redness. They've won the barbeque battle. They've won the Bush battle. But, they live in the land, afterall, where few have forgotten who won the War - the Civil War that is. At least between battles and wars we can take time out to share in the barbeque.
