At the Google holiday party we knew DJ AM would suck, but we didn't think the food would.

The Cakehead mobile has burned rubber and fuel to research this lofty pursuit. We've travel the country interviewing good honest workers in blue & red states searching for that cafeteria that brings meaning to the daily grind.

Our bellies have both celebrated and suffered. We're aching and plump - stretched larger than we thought we could become. Unlike wine tasters, we swallow. And in the end we don't regret this sacrifice (an extended stay in a weightloss treatment center, might be beneficial). But since weightloss don't come free, we'll continue to eat. And hopefully our loyal readers will too. Our final report comes to you based not on a quick mouth swashing and spitting. We've tracked the flavors and effects from first bite to the final stages of digestion. When we report the winning cafeteria, it will not be based on a floozy wino's interpretation – but is rather an in-depth study.

As it turns out the best place to work and be fed is Google. The Gen-Xers are the unsung heroes of the free dining in the workplace movement. Sure the Conde-cafeteria is swell. But that food don't come free. Leave it to one of the only dot-com hold outs to provide that fully stocked refrigerator that makes work seem like that awesome babysitting gig at the Lamberts. You know, the family with that refrigerator stocked with the kettle fried pototo chips that tasted so good when dipped in that delicious black truffle butter, then followed by the Ciao Bella frozen bonbon chasers. That's what it like to work for Google. Whenever you have a craving just open the company fridge and there are all the snacks a girl could want. All for free.

So, now you're thinking, if the daily provisions provided by the company are that good, then the holiday party must have been incredible. We're sorry to be the ones to shatter the façade. Google is not THE place to be seen when it comes to party crashing. Forget the horrific djing by Nicole Richie's ex, DJ A.M. It's a given that he would be crap. We just expected more of the food.

Sure we snacked on a few sandwiches: steak stuck between two carb-packed bulky rolls that would make a waify Google gal gasp. We ate the spinach casserole and the pecan diamonds from the dessert table. But frankly, the food at the holiday party made us feel deluded. Like we had selected the wrong corporate cafeteria as the winner. We felt empty. Confused. Months of web-post productivity had been abandoned for this quest. And now with the attendance of a mere holiday party our ability to judge good versus bad was being called into question.

Not only were the hors d'oeuvres a disaster, but we were forced to spend the evening responding to riddles and euphemism about who was rich and who wasn't. (We later learned that when a Google engineer introduces himself mumbling in the same breath, "I'm Stan and I've worked at Google since 2000" it was his not-so-subtle way of saying,"I'm a billionaire and even though I’m really dorky please have sex with me." But poor starving dorks are more our type and who wants to sleep with an empty billionaire who was thrown off kilter when he learned that we are not women swayed by fortune. Food is the only way to our hearts.)

To make a long story short, at the Google party we were ready to abandon ship. To relinquish our research data and surrender to a factory job, or table waiting or anything that didn't involve assessing corporate cafeteria quality. That is until we realized our own error.

Across the room the glistening ice sculpture, carved in the recognizable google font beckoned us nearer. We noticed a gush of liquid flowing from the second "g" and we needed to investigate. As we approached it all became clear. Holiday parties aren't about the food. They're about the liquor. And in the end what we saw before us confirmed that Google was worthy of the best corporate cafeteria title. After a year of eating delicious free food, the workers don’t want more free food at the holiday party. They want free drinks. Of course free drinks in the corporate cafeteria would deter productivity. But at the holiday party the drinks were running free. Out of each letter in the word google flowed a different blend of liquors.

G = (Blue)
Stoli Vanilla
Triple Sec
Blue Curacao
Pineapple Juice

O = (Red)
Vodka
Triple Sec
Lime
Cranberry or Chambord (TBD)

O = (Yellow)
Malibu Rum
Pineapple

G = (Blue
Stoli Vanilla
Triple Sec
Blue Curacao
Pineapple Juice

L = (Green)
Vodka
Apple Pucker
Triple Sec

E = (Red)
Vodka
Triple Sec
Lime Juice

Happy workers, drunk on the ice factory's nectar, were proof to us that Google has earned it's title as best cafeteria by day -- best holiday party spirits one night a year.