The hunt for cheap eats. It is one of the most enjoyable pursuits that New York City residents and visitors can engage in. And there is no need to limit oneself to street or fast food. But if you're turning to The New York Times' $25 and Under reporters, Eric Mr. Asimov or Dana Bowen, you will be misguided. They do not have your best interests at heart.

Their goal: To try out that hip new restaurant they've been strolling by, using their allotted $25 and under allowance and in the process convince their editor they have the language and taste necessary to take on the real restaurant reviews that get them the bottomless credit card account. Your goal: To leave your tiny apartment rental & eat good food and still have enough money left over to put in savings for that tiny co-op apartment you've been trying to buy.

I read that particular Times column for a reason. Nowhere else on the dining pages are there recommendations for inexpensive places to dine. My hopes are always high. I want that delicious bargain. I want that insider's expert whisper, " try that little hole in the wall on Delancy that you've always wondered about."

Several weeks ago I listened. I took their referral and tried that new nouveau Dominican fusion restaurant in Chelsea. The restaurant is called, It's a Dominican Thing. By the end of the evening, after being charged yuppie-inflation on every dish you could buy in a real Dominican restaurant for a quarter the price, after our waiters took an hour and 1/2 to bring out the first appetizer, after seeing the smallest portions ever served on the largest flying saucers-sized plates, me and my friends were forced to turn the restaurant's name into a joke.

As hour two approached and still no entree, our impatience turned to humor. The punchline: It's a Dominican Thing.

I don't blame the restaurant. They were only doing what any Chelsea-based restaurant attempting swankdom would do (jack up prices and force you to order many rounds of drinks). I do blame Dana Bowen. When the food finally arrived it was fine. But the bill (and the whole point of Dana's column) came nowhere close to under $25 per person. Even if I don't take into account the drinks we were forced to swallow to maintain composure to guarantee a disgruntled waiter didn't spit in our meal, the place would have been a rip off - tallying in at over $40 per person.

Find me a bargain, Dana Bowen, and you will have re-earned my faith.

For those who also find that the Times columnist lacks the drive to find the truly inexpensive morsels, stay tuned. Boycott their suggestions. No need to convert to the New York Times mentality that to be successful in this town requires burning a pretty penny. Don't change careers so you can afford the restaurants the Times thinks you aspire to visit. The Slumming It column is for people who know what a dollar is worth and are happy to eat that dollars worth of grub. There is a philosophy to the cheap eats hunting game. This I will teach you.

HOW TO PLAY THE GAME:
1. Avoid all restaurants lit from the floor a la L.A. -- especially floor lights that are a soft pink or blue. The best cheap eat spots are fluorescently lit.
2. Read the menu. If any item on the menu costs more than $15, the place is not a bargain. If the menu advertises a special that is the $18 range, go home and prepare yourself an inexpensive meal. Do this the next day and the next. If you still are craving the restaurant return. You have earned it.
3. Avoid mid-town Manhattan. That means no food anywhere between 65th Street & 38th Street (unless you're talking west of 9th Ave or East of Lexington).
4. A Restaurant that allows you to BYO is a signal to enter. Money's money - whether you spend it on booze or on food.
5. If you're considering a restaurant you've found online go to The New York Times website and search for a review of the restaurant. If The Times reviewed it, skip it.
6. If you've found a place that seems inexpensive and fits the bill atmosphere-wise, ask your waitress what her favorite dish is. What's good, may not be what you're craving, but if you don't ask you'll never get to try that amazing garlic soup that you will crave the rest of your life.