Isn't gluttony a sin? chronicles of an all-you-can eat excursion gone bad
At first I thought I had entered heaven. They don't call me cakehead for nothing. Within seconds after I had walked into the Smorgasbord complex -- a sprawling pre-fab warehouse surrounded by farmland and hillsides and filled with hundreds of stainless steel buffet islands on the inside -- the double-decker cart of cake wedges seemed to suck me in. Perfect slices sat glistening under the neon - chocolate, pumpkin cheesecake with a frosting-bag squirted flower, white cake cubes saturated with red - whether the flavor is strawberry, cherry or raspberry I do not know.
From a distance the supply seemed infinite. So I cannot explain the intense sense of urgency I felt to rush to the entree buffet lines. The goal: Eat dinner quick in the interest of expediting the dessert course. But as is the case with all temptation, by the time rational thinking resumes, the deed has been done. Consequences must be suffered.
The problem with all-you-can-eat spots, or I should say, one of the many problems with all-you-can-eat spots is, inevitably one is driven by the desire to get her money's worth. I really like to eat. I regret that this premier entry will not be an opportunity for me to rave about the latest delectable that I've discovered and am craving and wishing I could stuff in my face. Instead, I will write about abstinence. Not the sort of abstinence in which the Bushes would hope you would engage. No. I'm talking about seeing the cherry pie or the clam strips piled high or the hush puppies looking all buttery and nice and saying, no. I will not fill my plate for the third time with the intention of continuing on to that pumpkin cheesecake I've been eyeing since I've entered.
Unfortunately, my decision to preach abstinence is based on personal experience of committing that lesser acknowledged sin of gluttony. Sure it's not as bad as coveting thy neighbor's husband. But gluttony leads to committing other deadly sins: sloth, greed, anger. So like all self-righteous believers, I say to you, if you engage in the gluttonous act of multiple trips to the buffet, know you will suffer the fiery heart burn of hell and it is likely when the Raputure comes, you too will end up far from God's kingdom.
So, if you want to eat the cakes that Jesus will serve you in heaven, repent now and abstain from those nasty buffets.
If that's not motivation enough consider this: according to The Picture Book of Devils, Demons and Witchcraft, by Ernst and Johanna Lehneras, as punishment for your gluttony, you will be forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes in hell.
Comments
You are insane. Seriously... you are a nut job.
Posted by: Jee | August 24, 2005 04:39 PM
This is the most retard article EVER!!!!
Posted by: Rickin | August 24, 2005 04:43 PM
I can't believe my own eyes. We live in a country where we have many freedoms. One is the freedom to voice one's opinion. Another is the freedom to elect a just government. The other is the freedom to eat! My god, people like you should dine on multivitamins and soybeans.
Writing this is making me very hungry, I cannot wait for my next buffet!
Posted by: freedomEater | August 24, 2005 04:47 PM
Wow... you are stupid... and possibly crazy. You should probably get some help.
Posted by: Aman | August 24, 2005 04:49 PM
all of you are idiots. all of you.
Posted by: cakehead1 | August 24, 2005 04:49 PM
This is horrible. You should be ashamed of yourself. There is nothing wrong with eating wang, noting at all! My god, if only I coudl find my own style of all you can eat buffet, I would be in pure heaven, maybe a bit sore but still. wow....
Posted by: Han | August 24, 2005 04:50 PM
I belive in Allah....so I can eat all the buffets I want!!!!
Posted by: Ali | August 24, 2005 04:54 PM
the #1 instinct for mankind is survival. By going to all you can eat and consuming more food than usual, I am increasing my chances for survival. Should food suddenly become scarce, who stands a better chance? me, having my fill of crucial proteins, amino acids, simple carbs amongst others, or you, with your system running on a starbucks latte and a small chicken caesar salad? yeah that's right, who's the boss? Well it ain't Tony Danza tonight baby.
Posted by: freedomEater | August 24, 2005 05:05 PM
I cannot believe what I am reading. I am a 6'0 tall, 145 pd, 25 yr old man. I eat like crazy, but I am still so skinny. If it weren't for gluttony, I'd be DEAD! How dare you use gods name to try to kill off people like me!! It's not my fault I have a fast metabolism, but yet, you still want me to die. If I go to hell when I die cuz I am gluttonous, then my consolation is that atleast I will see you there because you tried to kill me.
Posted by: Krantijeet | August 24, 2005 05:13 PM
how dare you judge ppl who are all for buffets! you yourself will face the depths of hades for preaching your self-righteous views on gluttony! Dare not preach your sanctimonious views on what is a sin and what is not, for you yourself are human (fat?), and have no right to be a food priest!
May the China Buffet & Mandarin gods banish you to a fate worse than what you already are now!
Posted by: FatCat | August 24, 2005 06:08 PM
Oh Cakehead, oh Cakehead come rescue me...
Right now I am eating a pork (halal I believe) burrito... You will be happy to know that I ordered corn on the side... helps ease the Cosby kids out you know...
I wish you the best on your journey to Abstinence.
- MC JC
PS. Jesus loves ou... but everyone else thinks you are an a$$hole
Posted by: MC JC | August 24, 2005 06:38 PM
Hey cakehead - I know what you're talking about. I had the same problem you did until I discovered the beautiful art of purging. Try it sometime. After each trip to the buffet bar, just insert a finger down your throat.
Posted by: Jesus' bitch | August 24, 2005 07:10 PM